Parashat Kedoshim- Criticism: Proceed with Caution
Parashat Kedoshim presents the famous command of "Hoche’ah Tochi’ah Et Amitecha" ("You must rebuke your fellow" –19:17), which obligates us to rebuke members of our nation who act incorrectly. The Torah does not subscribe to the popular notion of "live and let live," that what other people do has nothing to do with us. Am Yisrael is an organic whole, like one body, and the sins committed by one member directly impact upon the entire nation. It is therefore our responsibility to correct deviant behavior to whatever extent this is possible.
In this same verse, however, the Torah issues a stern warning regarding the delicate subject of Tocheha (rebuke): "Ve’lo Tisa Alav Het" – "but do not bear sin on his account." The obligation to criticize people for wrongful conduct does not give us license to act wrongly ourselves; this Misva does not override the strict obligation to be sensitive to people’s feelings. "Tocheha" does not entitle us to publicly humiliate sinners, and, even when speaking to them in private, we are not permitted to criticize harshly. Criticism must be done very delicately, in a kind, compassionate and respectful manner. This is especially true in our generation, when most people are very sensitive and emotionally fragile. People today feel insulted and degraded very easily. Therefore, especially nowadays, criticism must be spoken with great caution.
In fact, most people nowadays are exempt from the Misva of "Tocheha." Since most of us are unable to criticize without embarrassing the person or hurting his feelings, and the Misva requires giving rebuke without causing emotional distress, many of us are not bound by this obligation.
Returning to the Pasuk (verse), some interpret the phrase "Ve’lo Tisa Alav Het" differently, to mean, "do not elevate the sin over him." There is a natural tendency when giving criticism to blow the wrongdoing out of proportion, to "raise" it, to impress upon the person the grave, appalling nature of what he did. When giving criticism, especially to our children, it is critical to "raise" the individual, not the action. When a child misbehaves in school, the parents should respond by "raising" the child, by emphasizing how good he is, how generally well-behaved he is, and how such behavior is not befitting him. All too often, parents respond by "raising" the offense, by repeatedly emphasizing the gravity of the mischief. This response threatens to break the child, to make him lose hope in himself.
The Torah therefore warns, "Ve’lo Tisa Alav Het" – we must not blow the sin out of proportion. When criticism is warranted, it must be spoken delicately with very carefully measured words, and in a manner that builds the person’s self-esteem, rather than destroying it.
