Parashat Vayishlach- A Prerequisite for Reconciliation
A Prerequisite for Reconciliation
Parashat Vayishlach tells the story of Yaakov's reunion with his brother, Esav. Yaakov sends angels to Esav to speak words of appeasement, in the hope of assuaging Esav's feelings of resentment and ill-will towards his brother. This delegation's efforts, however, were to no avail. They return to Yaakov and report that his brother marches towards him with four hundred military generals, poised to wage a war of vengeance against Yaakov. Ultimately, when Yaakov and Esav indeed reunite, they embrace each other and make peace.
The question arises, why were Yaakov's messengers unable to appease Esav, to broker a truce between the two brothers? And what changed Esav's feelings towards Yaakov, such that he ultimately made peace with him?
The story is told of two Chassidic Rabbis, one named Rabbi Zalman, and the other Rabbi Baruch of Medzibozh, the grandson of the Ba'al Shem Tov. The two Rabbis were entangled in a dispute, and all the efforts made by their students to reconcile their differences and restore peaceful relations between the two camps proved unsuccessful. They wondered why they were unable to resolve this conflict, until finally Rabbi Baruch came to the realization that full reconciliation is not possible without personal contact. He noted that Yaakov and Esav made peace between them only when they met in person, when they were reunited. The words of appeasement conveyed through a third party were unable to extinguish the flames of rage and vengeance. Conflicting parties can find peace only through direct, face-to-face contact. Indeed, Rabbi Zalman and Rabbi Baruch met in person and successfully resolved their conflict.
Why is this so? Why is it so difficult for quarreling parties to restore peaceful relations without direct, personal contact?
Very often, people entangled in dispute have all kinds of misconceptions about one another. They make certain presumptions about the other party based on imagination or hearsay, presumptions that are either entirely false or at least partially inaccurate. The Yetzer Ha'ra (evil inclination) will often exaggerate certain aspects of the other individual, painting an awfully negative image in one's mind about that person. This make reconciliation nearly impossible until the two parties meet face-to-face and their preconceived notions about one another are once and for all dispelled. Personal contact reveals aspects of a person of which the other party was previously unaware, thereby allowing them to reach some degree of understanding and reconcile their differences.
Though we don't generally quote former U.S. presidents as authorities on these matters, Abraham Lincoln once quipped, "I don’t like this man very much; I should start to get to know him better." Very often, getting to know a person is the best way to start liking him and dispelling the misconceptions about him, and so many of our conflicts with other people can be easily resolved by meeting with them in person and making a genuine, sincere effort to achieve full reconciliation.
