Vayetze 5766- Yaakov and Derech Eretz
In Parashat Vayetze, we read that when Yaakov arrives at the town of his uncle, Lavan, he encounters a group of shepherds sitting around a well with their flocks. Yaakov, thinking that they were idling instead of doing their work, criticizes them, pointing out that the day was still young and they must continue shepherding. In response, the shepherds explain that they were waiting for the other shepherds to come help them remove the large stone from the well, so they could draw water for their sheep.
Imagine that a person walks into an office building in the middle of the day and sees the employees sitting around drinking coffee, instead of sitting at their desks tending to their responsibilities, and he begins criticizing them for neglecting their work. What would be their response? "This is not your business!"; "Who are you to tell us what to do?" And yet, Yaakov, a complete stranger, rebukes these shepherds in Charan, and they do not respond angrily. Why didn't they shout at him and tell him to leave?
The answer that is given to this question lies in the first word Yaakov uttered when speaking to the shepherds. As the Torah tells, Yaakov told the shepherds, "Achai, Me'ayin Atem" – "My brothers, where are you from?" Yaakov introduced his criticism with a friendly remark, by calling the shepherds "My brothers." This is the key to successful rebuke. If a person approaches another with only anger and criticism, his words will have no effect; they will only evoke resentment and hard feelings. But if one first shows genuine love and concern before presenting his criticism, his words will be valued and respected. Yaakov earned the attention and the respect of the shepherds because he spoke to them lovingly. By introducing his criticism with words of affection – "My brothers, where are you from" – he ensured that they would listen to him respectfully, and not respond with anger.
This is a particularly important lesson for parents. The worst time to criticize children is at moments of anger and tension; rebuke at these moments will meet only with resentment. When parents find it necessary to criticize their children, they must first display warmth and affection, showing the children that they truly love and cherish them. Only then will the children approach the words of criticism seriously.
Later in the parashah, we find yet another instance of Yaakov's exemplary Derech Eretz, his respect and sensitivity towards others. After his argument with his unscrupulous father-in-law, Lavan, Yaakov makes a treaty with Lavan. The Torah tells that Yaakov asked "his brothers" to collect stones to make a monument that would symbolize his treaty with Lavan. The Ramban explains that "his brothers" refers to Lavan's brothers. Yaakov did not ask Lavan himself to collect rocks, the Ramban adds, because he treated Lavan with respect, and collecting rocks would be beneath Lavan's dignity. Likewise, several verses later Yaakov invites "his brothers" to eat a meal with him, and once again the Ramban comments that Yaakov did not explicitly invite Lavan himself, because such an invitation would be disrespectful, as it would suggest Lavan's dependence upon Yaakov.
Despite Lavan's terrible mistreatment of Yaakov for so many years, all the deceit and dishonesty, Yaakov nevertheless continued showing respect to his father-in-law. Yaakov's stellar Middot Tovot (fine character traits) were not compromised even when dealing with such a conniving and corrupt man as Lavan.
From where did Yaakov draw such exemplary Derech Eretz? Where did he develop such fine qualities and such a commitment to this value of showing respect to all people, including foreign shepherds and a corrupt father-in-law?
Undoubtedly, Yaakov's Derech Eretz resulted from his many years of Torah learning. Yaakov was a "Yoshev Ohalim," a "tent-dweller," a person who spent his days and nights involved in Torah study. He did not stop even at age sixty-three, when he left home to escape from Esav and went to learn in the academy of Shem and Ever for fourteen years. Torah learning has the capacity to transform a student's character, making him more humble, more refined, and more respectful. Yaakov's extraordinary character was a direct result of the Torah he studied for so many years. It is hard to imagine acquiring such humility and sensitivity without Torah. Scholars in other fields are often arrogant and caught up in their own achievements, whereas Torah scholars are generally humble and unassuming. Torah learning is an exercise in not only the acquisition of knowledge, but also in the acquisition of Middot Tovot, and in the refinement of one's character. Yaakov Avinu thus serves as an inspiring example of the outstanding qualities one can achieve through intensive involvement in Torah study.
