Ki Tetze
In Parashat Ki Tetze we read about the case of the ‘Ben Sorer U’More’ which is the wayward and rebellious son. The Torah tells us that because of his gluttonous behavior, we have to take him and stone him to death before he gets worse. And of course that is a subject in itself as to exactly the rationale of why we do such a thing. But it is his parents that actually take him to the Bet Din. And if we analyze the words of the parents, it says in the pasuk that they tell the Bet Din, ‘Binenu Ze Sorer U’More, Enenu Shomea BiKolenu.’ They say to the Bet Din that their son is rebellious and that he does not listen. The pasuk says, ‘Enenu Shomea BiKol Aviv U’BiKol Imo.’ He is not listening to his father’s voice, and his mother’s voice.
The Gemara Sanhedrin learns that Ben Sorer U’More never happened. And one of the reasons is because there are so many restrictions to the case that it makes practically impossible for it ever to happen. One of the restrictions is based on this pasuk. It says, ‘BiKol Aviv U’BiKol Imo’, which the Gemara explains that they have to have the same voice. Now that is very odd that a husband and wife should have a similar voice. A man doesn’t sound like a lady and a lady does not sound like a man. But the pasuk does say they have to have the same voice.
So the Rabbis learn from this a lesson in parenting. For children to come out decent and normal, parents need to have a unified voice. Maybe it’s not talking about the style of voice or the tone of voice, but they have to have one approach that they both follow. The father can’t be permissive and the mother strict. Likewise, the mother can’t be permissive and the father strict. If there is disarray, then the child will escape, and bring trouble. So, when it comes to parenting the approach must be unified.
We find many times where there is a difference between a parent in the subject and observance of religion. There can be a father who is religious, with a mother who is not. There can be a mother who is religious, with a father who is not. And therefore the Torah is coming to say that if the mother’s voice is different from the father’s voice, the child does not become a BiKol Aviv U’BiKol Imo because you can’t hold a child culpable for his behavior when there is not a unified message from parents.
So although the ‘BiKol Aviv U’BiKol Imo’ never happened, we still can apply some of its lessons to modern day parenting. And that is why it is a good idea that especially young parents, but this is not limited to young parents or new parents, to take classes on parenting and read books together in order that they will now how to deal with situations when they come up with their children.
To drive a car, you have to go for a written test, and you have to take a road test, etc. Raising children is much more serious than driving a car, but for some reason everybody thinks they will be OK and just wing it or roll the dice and see how they do. Sometimes you can’t always rely on what you saw in your parent’s home. It could be that they might have made mistakes and you might come to repeat them.
Therefore it is incumbent to take a course which should be given before people get married. This class can be given together with the Taharat HaMishpacha. Or at least when one is having a child, he should know the proper approaches to take. It must be consistent, where both parents together must have a unified voice.
