Parashat Debarim- The Lost Art of Rebuke
Sefer Debarim records Moshe’s final words to Beneh Yisrael before his death. Not everything he says in these discourses is pleasing to the ears. To the contrary, this Sefer contains some scathing rebuke and criticism of the nation’s mistakes during their years of travel in the wilderness.
Judaism does not subscribe to the "live and let live" philosophy of the modern world, the notion that every person should focus only on what he does, and what others do shouldn’t concern him. Rather, we believe in the principle of "Kol Yisrael Arebim Ze La’ze" – all Jews are each other’s guarantors. We all bear the responsibility to tell our fellow Jew when he does something wrong and try to steer him in the proper direction. This is part of our obligation toward one another. So important is this Misva of rebuke, in fact, that the Gemara in Masechet Shabbat (55) establishes that the Sadikim are held accountable for the sins of the wicked if they fail to administer rebuke. If a person is in a position to help his fellow correct his behavior but fails to do so, he shares in that person’s accountability for his wrongdoing.
Of course, there are a number of critical guidelines that must be followed when it comes to Tocheha (rebuke). For one thing, the Sages teach that "just as there is a Misva to say words that will be heard, similarly, there is a Misva not to say things that won’t be heard." If a person has reason to suspect that his words will fall upon deaf ears, then he should remain silent and not offer any criticism. Indeed, Moshe begins Sefer Debarim by making only brief, subtle references to the people’s sins. The Alshich (1508-1593) explains that Moshe wanted to "test the waters," to see how the people would react to his criticism. He did not want to offer criticism if the people would resist and resent it. It was therefore only after he saw they were eager to hear his words that he continued and spoke directly and even harshly about their wrongdoing.
Secondly, the purpose of criticism is, and has to be, to help the person change his conduct. Rebuke is not about venting one’s anger. A person must never offer criticism so he could feel good about himself and enjoy the satisfaction of "ripping into" a fellow Jew. He must speak solely for the purpose of influencing the individual to improve, and his words, timing and intonation must be geared toward that purpose. One must ensure to speak only in the proper manner, tone and time, so that his words will achieve their desired result, rather than breed resentment and hard feelings.
Finally, we all must remain open and accepting of criticism from our peers and leaders. Imagine that a person stops at a gas station and asks the attendant how many miles remain to his destination, and the attendant tells him that he is headed in the wrong direction. Would the driver grow angry and resentful toward the attendant for telling him he’s making a mistake, or would he thank him for pointing him in the right direction?
This must be our attitude when it comes to criticism. When our friends or Rabbis observe a mistake that we made or are making, we should thank them for pointing us in the right direction, for showing us that we are going the wrong way. If we want to grow and improve, we must accept criticism as an opportunity to correct our mistakes and become better people and better Jews. The Vilna Gaon (Rabbi Eliyahu of Vilna, 1720-1797), one of the greatest Sadikim and Torah scholars of the last few centuries, would invite the Maggid of Duvna to give him rebuke. He valued the importance of criticism to such an extent that he made a point of bringing somebody to criticize him.
Criticism might not be pleasant to hear, but it is something that we have to hear. We must not resent friends and Rabbis that tell us what we’re doing wrong; we must instead listen eagerly and welcome the opportunity it affords us to grow and improve.
